Yesterday I had lunch with one of my besties, Sophie.
Sophie and I only met last year (she’s my hairdresser), and we clicked straight away, having so much in common – we are much the same age, we have older or adult kids, not married anymore, and we are business-owners. Sophie is far more business-savvy than me and is more entrepreneurial inclined. She has admirable great passion for her business and profession, whereas although I enjoy my profession and love aspects of having my own business, I don’t have passion for either.
Over lunch we chatted for a while about business matters – we both had issues with employees since we had last seen each other. Employees! The never-ending curly issue! Don’t get me started on that. While we were there, Sophie’s friend Dina turned up.
I really like Dina, had met her several times before at Sophie’s salon. I don’t know her from a bar of soap but she has a genuine, warm and calm presence that’s instantly apparent, and you just feel like you want to sit down and chat with her and want her as a friend. I did pick up from her previous interactions with Sophie that there was “something” between them but I didn’t ask and Sophie didn’t say anything – another thing Sophie and I have in common is we don’t talk about our deeply private lives!
I had no problems at all with Dina staying for lunch but I could tell Sophie wanted to talk to me privately and Dina seemed to get the vibe also, and left shortly after.
Then Sophie just blurted out that she and Dina were partners.
The announcement was obviously difficult for her and she said it had been hard with everyone, and that she hadn’t even told her kids. She said she was even seeing a shrink about it, but hadn’t even “had the guts” to tell her shrink until the second session.
I told Sophie I’d suspected it and that it didn’t surprise me because Dina had struck me immediately as being a wonderful person. That’s when Sophie leaned across the table and said to me almost pleadingly:
“Yes, that’s just it. It’s just HER. I’m not gay, and if I wasn’t in a relationship with Dina I’d probably be in a relationship with a man. I just love HER”.
Of course, we couldn’t solve the mystery of love and sexuality over the lunch table, but I think because I understood what Sophie was trying to explain as the reason she was with Dina – it was about the person, not the gender – Sophie seemed immensely relieved and even said she felt stronger in being open about her relationship. She was very worried about her kids and her ex though, how accepting they would be, whether they would be upset. I suggested she try to adopt the frame of mind that that is their journey, and she can’t travel their journey for them. That said, I suspect Sophie getting to the point where she can be fully open about her relationship is a long way off for her, which is very sad.
Obviously, the revelation got me thinking. I understand why Sophie would want to be with Dina. Heck, if Dina was single and I wasn’t so consumed by Tom sexually and emotionally I’d want to be with Dina myself. Dina is a truly wonderful person. With me though – and this is an area in which I obviously need some serious personal growth – I can’t imagine the sex side of things; I can’t imagine wanting to be with a woman sexually and not wanting to be with Tom in a sexual way; and, of course, I write that – bear with me – and think of this image which I have posted about before:
I can recognise and appreciate – and even be a tad envious of – the love between Sophie and Dina, but I can’t help my mind drifting into wondering about sex. Of course, Sophie and I didn’t discuss that, and I believe the fact Sophie didn’t raise it is illustrative of her own personal growth and maturity and my lack thereof. My hope and aim for myself would be to grow more as a person in order to be able to completely separate love and sex in my mind. I wonder if that can only happen though when you do fall in love with someone of the opposite sex. Remains to be seen maybe!
It also begs the questions: is sex about love? Is it different for a feminine person than it is for a masculine person, in that if a feminine person loves someone of the same gender, they can enjoy sex with that person? I only draw that distinction because I landed on a website when I was reading about this whole subject where the writer dwelt on the feminine and masculine personalities, and the left/right brain theory. The right brain, which is commonly associated with the feminine person dictates the expression and reading of emotions, whereas the masculine left brain is described as being better at logical thinking and analysis. So, I’m wondering, given the two tendencies, whether the feminine may find it easier to have sex with the same gender if emotion exists in the interaction, because sex is a way of expressing that emotion.
I’m sure that is a far too simplistic approach to the conundrum, and I daresay a very analytical approach to it! I wonder if I can conclude that I’m dominated by my left brain and ergo I will never be able to express love for the same gender through sex? I suppose that’s a story for another day.
Humankind is so diverse, and perhaps that’s why it’s next to impossible to solve the enigma in an analytical way. I must and can only bow to Maya in this: